Public Service Announcment

Let me start by saying, I'm not trying to sound harsh or ungrateful for all of those people who have helped us through our journey. I really appreciated every bit of encouragement I received - even the ones that didn't come across as they hoped. I also don't want to scare people off from saying anything at all; I just want to help explain how some people may feel/react to certain conversations. Also, please feel free to add anything to this that you think I've missed....

Having kids is a wonderful thing and gives unbridled pain. On the other hand, not having children can be one of the most painful journeys once can go through. As a dear friend of mine once said, there are two reasons people don't have kids....they either can't have them or don't want them (either then or down the road). With that knowledge, there is no reason to ever ask the "when are you going to have children" question. By extension....people have the number of kids they either want or can have, so don't worry about asking when they are going to extend their family; just because you've had one kid, doesn't mean you can have more....I guess my other thought here is that if you have to ask the above questions (because you don't know the answer), then you are probably not close enough to the person to ask the question in the first place and time will give you the answer to your question.

That's my general remark on that. Now, to get more specific....miscarriages, how to handle them, how to help people who have had them, what to say or not say. First, the "good" news...no one knows what to fully say or how the person who has suffered this loss truly feels. Even if you've experienced the same loss...each time is so different and each person is so different that there is no way you can 100% know where they are. So, here are some broad suggestions....probably the best thing to say is, "I'm sorry", "that stinks" (because it really does), "I'm here if you need anything", and "I'm praying for you".

Below are things not to say. Of course, not everything is going to bother everyone. There are actually things on this list that didn't bother me when they were said to me, but I know have really bothered others. I guess the point of this post is to make people aware how different statements can impact others and if you decide to embark on one of these very difficult conversations, make sure you are reading the body language of the one involved....that will be the best indicator of whether and how you proceed. General rule here....if they didn't tell you personally about their "situation", then they probably aren't ready to talk about it....nothing personal; it's just hard. Some people can and need to talk about it right away. Others need to digest it for a while. I was in that category. I felt betrayed by my body and I had a lot of fear as to what would happen and if I could/would have kids. I didn't want to be known as "the miscarry girl" and I felt less valued as a woman. I also didn't want to think about it all the time (even though I was) and in the moments I was doing well, I didn't want to be brought back down again. I also couldn't voice how I was feeling which made it very difficult to discuss. I was filled with pain, loss, emptiness, joy, and even hope. It was such an odd mixture of feelings; many of which I had never felt before and did not feel equipped to vocalize them (sometimes I still don't). I could only sum it up as "it sucked" and that I knew God was with me through it and would see me through it; that He wasn't giving me anything He knew I couldn't handle and that it would ultimately be okay. Of course, if someone had tried telling me all that I may not have handled it very well....

So, here are some things you don't need to say (with some anecdotes that will make you smile I hope):

• Anything beginning with the phrase "at least". Really. Think about it. Can you think of a positive phrase that follows that? "at least you know you can get pregnant." Really? Yes, women across time have hoped to just get pregnant. I know some people take comfort in that thought; I was not one of them. I know there are lots of things that can make pregnancies go bad once they "begin", so I didn't find any comfort in this....In non-miscarry terms...at least they lived a long life, at least you got to say goodbye, etc. Although, these may be true and may help eventually; in the middle of the pain, they don't add much comfort.


• "you never know what God is protecting your child from later in life by taking him/her now". True, but still doesn't take away the fact that a little dream of that child's life is gone.


• "Everything happens for a reason, you'll see."


• "have you ever thought about how much it might help to get a dog." no, no one thankfully told me that, but it's happened to a friend.


• "don't worry; you'll have kids". No one knows that for sure and I always felt "desperate"/anxious when people told me that.
• "My friend Peggy Sue tried for years before they finally had kids" or many variations of that story. Some times that will offer hope; some times it will offer false hope. There are many happy stories of infertility issues resulting in beautiful kids, but there are also stories that don't. Those people find a different purpose to their life, but it's painful to get to that point and it's painful to be told how everyone else gets to that point.
• Frequent complaining about how awful pregnancy and/or kids are...we may hate being pregnant if we ever get there, but we really want to get there.

The last piece of this jagged little puzzle....what to do once they are pregnant (and it "takes" fully). Be patient with them....it's not a "normal" pregnancy. They may not be as excited as you'd like them to be...every time they go to the bathroom in the back of their mind, they wonder what they will find. Where you may find your frequent doctor's appointments a bore, they will quite possibly crave them; craving every opportunity to find out that everything is "normal" and that the little bambino growing in them is still okay. They may register for things later than you'd like and decorate later than you'd like, but ultimately they are doing it all at their pace - a pace they can handle and sustain as they walk the tightrope of growing excitement peppered by a slight fear created through their personal history. Oh, and please don't tell them to "take care of the baby"; trust me, they are doing everything they can to protect that little growth in them. They are also caring around the thought that although they (mostly) know they had nothing to do with the previous losses, they don't know if everyone else knows that too.

Okay, so this may not have come across as light-hearted and funny as I wanted it to. It's such a hard topic to write about with still some pain there for me. If anyone reading this is going through that long road. I'm here for you. I may not say everything perfectly (most likely won't), but if you need anything, let me know. In the meantime, I'll always be praying that your journey is as easy as possible and that you will feel God's loving arms guiding you through it.

Unswaddled and talking?

We finally stopped swaddling Taylor this past week - last Saturday night to be exact. I think Taylor has been ready for a loooong time; I think we weren't as ready. She always got her arms free in the first minute after being swaddled, but I think Brian and I kept doing it for a couple of reasons. First, we were afraid is was part of the "bed-time" routine and she wouldn't go to sleep without it (okay, that was one of my fears). I think we both liked the added warmth it gave her - we knew she wouldn't keep her blanket on her. My last fear was that her little legs would get through the bars of her crib, she'd get stuck in the middle of the night and of course get scared.

Well, let's go over these fears shall we...the first night we swaddled her, she barely made a peep and didn't make any noise after 60 seconds. Yep; that fear was dashed. Second fear...well, she doesn't keep her blanket on her, but she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night cold either, so I guess that was a needless fear. The last fear? Well, the first almost week went well. Her legs do get through the crib (Monday morning when I went in there her left leg and right leg were in different slats at the back of the crib. Her left was bent at the knee, so it was parallel with the wall under the knee (up and down). She was awake, but waiting patiently for me to come. I don't even think she was stuck - I got her leg out, but I have a sneaky suspicion she could have done that. Last night was a different story.....last night she screamed bloody murder about 11 o'clock at night. Both legs were elevated a couple of inches off of the mattress. Okay, not really off of the mattress, because her legs were in the middle of the room through the slats of her crib! She was on her side and distressed to say the least. I got her 'free' and held her for a minute...so thankful to be her mommy. I also quickly put the bumper pads on her crib. I know they are "evil" in today's world, but I think right now, I'd prefer to have the slats. She has no interest in pulling up on anything....she has no interest to roll over onto her tummy, so I think, in the meantime she is okay. Oh, I should say one thing about her movements. You can put her on a blanket in the middle of the living room, and she doesn't move much....in her crib, free from the swaddle, she scoots on her back all over that thing doing multiple 360-degree turns throughout the night. We never know where we are going to find her within her crib or which direction she's facing.

On the talking front....our neighbor said she's getting really close to "mommy" (nice to get an impartial "vote" on that). When she cries I hear "mommy" a lot. The other day when she was crying, I think I even heard "momma". Sometimes when she is blabbering, it sounds close to "mom" (that's what Tom identified thankfully - not the crying fit). Last Saturday while Brian and I were watching some basketball, Taylor was playing on the living room floor. I heard a lot of "aaaa" sounds...Brian thinks he may have heard a "daddy". We always thought she'd say "daddy" before "mommy", but we are doubting that these days.....I don't think either one of us minds which one she says; we are just so happy to be her parents and so happy she seems to be happy with us too :)

Experiencing Life

I'm struggling with this blog a little....I'm keeping a journal for Taylor and I have a hard time some days figuring out what needs to be here vs the journal vs both.....I know that means I tend to be a little heavier here, and I'm sorry about that. I hope this isn't a drag to read....



We are obviously all different people and we handle life differently. It's part of what makes this whole world so great. I think, like most people, I'm inherently nosey. I want to know what's going on, how people are feeling, and to make matters worse, I want to fix whatever problem they have (which may not be what my friend needs in the moment). I also want to be 'the one' people confide in and want by their side (again, I believe like most people). However, I also know that not everyone can be that person for everyone; there just isn't enough room and sometimes being the best friend you can be is to not be that person....to cheer/mourn from a distance, to let them know you are there if they need anything (and then really being there when they ask), to let them know they can share what they want, but they don't have to share anything (and that really is okay), and to ultimately let them "just be" - let them handle whatever they have to handle the way they need to handle it (because let's face it; there are few things in this world any of us can actually "fix").

I guess all this to say is if you are a friend of mine and you are having great joy or hardship in your life, I am here for you...waiting on the sidelines for when you need something. For example, if you've just had a baby (or you are about to), I may not be there in the first few days, but I'll be there as soon as the first (or maybe even second) wave of visitors have passed; that time when you are getting a little lonely, bored, and/or overwhelmed because you are all by yourself day after day and you are used to a little more interaction than that. If you are going through a hard time, then I'm also here for you...praying for you (whether I know what exactly you are going through or not), pulling for you, and waiting to see if I'm needed. If all you need is my prayers from a distance, I am more than happy to do that; if you need more I will do my best to be whatever you need - someone to talk to, someone to sit there quietly with, someone to scream/cry with, or anything else.

I may not always succeed at being the kind of friend I'm striving to be, but I hope, at the very least, all of my friends know how much they mean to me, how much they are loved by me, and how much I'm there for them.

In His perfect name, a "trying to be" humble servant.

Taylor Update

So, I'm stuck at work....my Excel has just crashed for at least the 4th time today. I still have roughly 4 hours of work I probably should do (we'll see how much of it gets done if this computer keeps on acting up), but while it takes 20 minutes for Excel to "recover" my documents, I figured I'd type a little Taylor update....

Taylor was a little clingy last weekend (8 days ago), which is a little unusual for her. I do know that there is an age where they get clingy and want their mommy all the time, but I'm not sure what age that is. On Sunday she slept a lot and was a little moody when she was awake, but overall she was her fairly happy little self. Well, Sunday night at about two in the morning she yelped out. Brian went in to check on her (she typically doesn't make a peep at night), and he felt she was warm and took her temperature - it was relayed to me to be a 98.8 degree fever. I, being the semi-comatose one still, decided that was not a big deal and sent them on their way. Brian rocked her for a minute or so to help her calm down and then put her in her crib (awake). We didn't hear another word until I went to get her to feed her at seven the next morning. At this point, she felt really warm to me, and I took her fever....99.8 by now. She also was whimpering the slightest bit. I thought, hmmm, could my baby girl be getting a tooth? Sure enough she had her lower front left one! It's amazing how chill she was - it was basically completely out of her gums by this point. We decided Tylenol was in order and we sent her to "school" with it. By Tuesday morning she was again her normal self.

At the end of last week however, she started getting a little moody and a little clingy. She is also very specific as to how she likes to be held. Not sure this is an issue or something to "fight" over. I'm sure one day I'll regret it, but at this point, if it's no big deal, and she wants to be held in a different way, I will adjust. Brian and I are thinking more teeth are on their way, but we really aren't sure. All we know is that she doesn't feel great, it's been a little harder for her to fall (and stay) asleep, and we really just want her to feel better! Hopefully the teeth will make their appearance soon so we will all understand what is going on and she can be her happy self again.

In other news, she finally allowed us to film her giggling. That girl can be stingy with her giggles - she'll be giggling up a storm but once the phone or camera comes out she just looks at you like you are crazy - gotta love her! Well, Saturday night she started to giggle while the kissing monster (me) was attacking, and she actually kept it up while we got it on film! We can't wait to share it with others :)

I guess that's most of the update. She's been eating some food lately - not a fan of the apples or carrots, but peas don't seem to be too bad. She really enjoys avocado and sweet potatoes. I think we may try Mango next, but pretty soon we'll have to start combining flavors - we'll see where that ends up.

The Superbowl

So, evidently I'm not very good about updating this every time I think of something....I know I need to put a Taylor update up here soon; hopefully I'll get to it this week, but until then, let's talk about the Saints!

Brian and I never thought in a million years we would see the Saints in the Superbowl - let alone win it. We also never thought that if the Saints defense only had one turnover against the Colts that it would be close - let alone they would win by 14 points. I thoroughly enjoyed the game and even got a little teary-eyed at the end of it. Like most people, one of my favorite moments was at the end of the game when they showed Drew Brees with his son pointing everything out to him and obviously getting teary-eyed himself. The picture in the paper was almost better - his wife standing next to him wiping away tears. One of those perfect moments you rarely get to witness.

Drew Brees has had such a heavy burden these past four years. The city really does revolve around him and the Boys....my parents have said on numerous occasions how excited the city is after a Saints victory and how amazing Mondays can be. Drew Brees has handled this burden with such class and grace. However, I hope we don't place him on too high of a pedestal - the higher the pedestal, the easier it is to fall. He deserves the accolades he is getting for being the amazing person he seems to be, but we must all remember that he is still human and therefore prone to human error (or bad days).

Sadly, when I hear of an athlete, actor, or politician falling from grace I am rarely surprised - I feel these instances are no longer the exception, but the rule. That being said, Drew Brees falling would surprise me, but none of us our immune to falling. We must be ever-viligant and always willing to ask ourselves the hard questions - am I putting myself in the best possible position? Am I subjecting myself to temptation that I may not always be able to pass? and Even if I am able to pass tempation up, am I with people who truely care about me, will help me through those doubts and will make sure nothing gets "spun" in an inacurate and painful light (painful to my family)? Are people trying to make me fail or are they helping me to succeed on a daily basis? These can all be difficult questions - some scenarios are black and white while others are varying shades of grey.

The last thought I have is on my wonderful home town. New Orleans has always had a special place in my heart made even more so when I came to Texas and realized a couple of things....All Saints Day and Ash Wednesday are not national holidays, not every place has the amazing culture and history that New Orleans has, and no place can come close to the food! Okay, so I may have known the food thing before I left, but I never fully appreciated it. Most of the restaurants there are locally-owned and therefore just a better experience then some National Chain. Don't get me wrong, there are some National chains I love, but the family-owned experience is just a little more personal. Now, I love this city, and it went through a heck of a lot with Katrina. I realize that it is also still recovering from Katrina, but this is a process that we all knew could take up to 20 years - the city was built over a couple of hundred years and isn't going to be rebuilt in 4. I just wish people would stop saying it is recovering or rebuilding. I don't think those comments help the city. My fear is that when people here that, they think it's not open for tourism and they make plans to go elsewhere. We all know that the Quarter was barely affected by the storm and floods. We also know that the reduced population and tourism closed a lot of restaurants for a time being, but I would be willing to say that almost all of them are open again and if they aren't open by now, they probably wouldn't be. I just wish the City of New Orleans did a better job of broadcasting how "open for business" they are. How it is still one of the best places to visit in the world and that regardless of the last 4.5 years, you can have the time of your life and an experience liek none other. To continue to recover the city needs money...and tourism is their #1 way to get that money, so please go visit it. Go learn first hand what makes that city so unique (or re-learn) and bring your friends while your at it :)

Mommy's Special Time with Taylor

I laid awake last night from 3 to 4 a.m. worried...

You see, Taylor and I have these special moments - on days I work it happens twice a day and on days I'm home five times. It's mainly just the two of us. Some time she flirts with me and some times she is all business. Sometimes one leg/foot is up by my shoulder while the other is laying perpendicular to it. Sometimes she tries to grab my hair or strap, sometimes she touches my chin, lips, and nose, and sometimes she just keeps her hands still. 99% at the end of these moments, Taylor is grinning from ear-to-ear. Most the time these days it only takes about 6 minutes or so, but when we travel and she's overwhelmed, she takes liberties and the opportunity to be close to me and stretches the time up to 20....I allow it when I know it is needed. The time I'm talking about? When I nurse her. It's some of the most special moments each day. The world slows down and I am providing her something that only I can...nourishment that has been created just for her to meet her needs.

I laid awake worried that these moments were going to end before I was prepared...I know they are going to end one day and I know it will be very hard on me when they do, but I also know that if they happen "naturally" it will be slow and hopefully therapeutic and easier on the two of us than the "band-aide approach" I thought I was facing. Deep down I knew I did not have "just a cold". I also knew that drugs would be needed - most likely antibiotics. What I did not know was whether I could still nurse if I was taking antibiotics. All needless worrying (which I knew at the time). Needless not only because I knew God was in control and that worrying wasn't going to change the outcome (what I kept telling myself during that hour), but also needless because, yes this cold is not a cold, and yes I have to be on antibiotics, but luckily for me I can still nurse while on antibiotics. Crisis averted and onto many more days of being able to take care of my baby girl in the way that only I can - a happy, peaceful mommy once more.

Taylor and the ER

The last few days have been "exciting" around the DeLatte household....Wednesday night, Taylor felt a little warm; she'd been congested for days, but this was the first time she felt warm - she had a low fever (99.4), and I was glad I was spending the next two days at home. She was in a good mood Thursday - slept a lot but played too, and was pretty much her normal self. She had a 99.9 degree fever in the afternoon, and kept grabbing her nose, but other than that she was fine. That night things changed. She woke up about 2 in the morning and Brian got there before I did - she was really warm, and we discovered our baby girl had a 101.9 degree fever! She was miserable, so Tylenol was given immediately. She was able to go back to sleep after daddy rocked her a few minutes.

We decided with the weekend coming, we'd cut the 48-hour "fever" window short and get her into the doctor. She was diagnosed with a bi-lateral ear infection, and two hours later, the two of us were home - isn't it amazing how long it can take to get a prescription filled? She was sleepy, but a trooper. She took her meds and a nap, and I thought that was that. Okay, so this is where I became sloppy mommy...because she missed one of her naps while waiting for her drugs, when she spit some of the amoxicilian out onto her sleeper, I thought "I'll let her sleep and change her after she wakes up". When she woke up; I decided not to worry about it...it wasn't too bad and I could change it that night. She took anothe rnap after she ate at 4, but woke up about 5:15 unhappy. I rocked her and she fell asleep...then the phone rang and she woke up. About this time I noticed her breathing was REALLY fast - I did breathe counts and got to 60/min two minutes in a row. Brian was on his way home from work and the doctor said that if her breathing got over 60/min, then to go to the ER. I called my parent's because I was right on that threshold, and I knew my sister was over there...I figured I'd get 3 pretty good opinions done in one call. In talking to my dad (I think), we decided to go to the hospital; Brian came home and we turned around to go to the closest hospital - Lake Pointe.

We had to wait a couple of minutes as they helped someone else (but the nurse did come out to make sure Taylor was okay). While waiting to be seen, Taylor decided she needed to use her diaper - and then some, so at this point she had medicine on the front of her shirt and some glorious yellow on the back...and in my rush to get out of the house, I didn't get an extra outfit - man did I feel bad! 3 hours later (and after overhearing a VERY funny conversation between an "emergency" patient and a doctor - she wanted an x-ray to see if her foot had an infection) we had our diagnosis...in addition to the bi-lateral ear infection, she also had RSV and pneumonia created by the RSV. We get to do breathing treatments 4 times a day along with an additional antibiotic!

Her happy disposition has returned today and she played a lot and slept some - I think her albuterol gives her some extra enery (I know it does to me). Hopefully she'll continue to improve, and we won't have any more scares for a while. I know it was a few tense moments for all of us yesterday and I'm so happy to have such a loving and supportive husband and family (not just mine, but his too).