Having kids is a wonderful thing and gives unbridled pain. On the other hand, not having children can be one of the most painful journeys once can go through. As a dear friend of mine once said, there are two reasons people don't have kids....they either can't have them or don't want them (either then or down the road). With that knowledge, there is no reason to ever ask the "when are you going to have children" question. By extension....people have the number of kids they either want or can have, so don't worry about asking when they are going to extend their family; just because you've had one kid, doesn't mean you can have more....I guess my other thought here is that if you have to ask the above questions (because you don't know the answer), then you are probably not close enough to the person to ask the question in the first place and time will give you the answer to your question.
That's my general remark on that. Now, to get more specific....miscarriages, how to handle them, how to help people who have had them, what to say or not say. First, the "good" news...no one knows what to fully say or how the person who has suffered this loss truly feels. Even if you've experienced the same loss...each time is so different and each person is so different that there is no way you can 100% know where they are. So, here are some broad suggestions....probably the best thing to say is, "I'm sorry", "that stinks" (because it really does), "I'm here if you need anything", and "I'm praying for you".
Below are things not to say. Of course, not everything is going to bother everyone. There are actually things on this list that didn't bother me when they were said to me, but I know have really bothered others. I guess the point of this post is to make people aware how different statements can impact others and if you decide to embark on one of these very difficult conversations, make sure you are reading the body language of the one involved....that will be the best indicator of whether and how you proceed. General rule here....if they didn't tell you personally about their "situation", then they probably aren't ready to talk about it....nothing personal; it's just hard. Some people can and need to talk about it right away. Others need to digest it for a while. I was in that category. I felt betrayed by my body and I had a lot of fear as to what would happen and if I could/would have kids. I didn't want to be known as "the miscarry girl" and I felt less valued as a woman. I also didn't want to think about it all the time (even though I was) and in the moments I was doing well, I didn't want to be brought back down again. I also couldn't voice how I was feeling which made it very difficult to discuss. I was filled with pain, loss, emptiness, joy, and even hope. It was such an odd mixture of feelings; many of which I had never felt before and did not feel equipped to vocalize them (sometimes I still don't). I could only sum it up as "it sucked" and that I knew God was with me through it and would see me through it; that He wasn't giving me anything He knew I couldn't handle and that it would ultimately be okay. Of course, if someone had tried telling me all that I may not have handled it very well....
So, here are some things you don't need to say (with some anecdotes that will make you smile I hope):
- Anything beginning with the phrase "at least". Really. Think about it. Can you think of a positive phrase that follows that? "at least you know you can get pregnant." Really? Yes, women across time have hoped to just get pregnant. I know some people take comfort in that thought; I was not one of them. I know there are lots of things that can make pregnancies go bad once they "begin", so I didn't find any comfort in this....In non-miscarry terms...at least they lived a long life, at least you got to say goodbye, etc. Although, these may be true and may help eventually; in the middle of the pain, they don't add much comfort.
- "you never know what God is protecting your child from later in life by taking him/her now". True, but still doesn't take away the fact that a little dream of that child's life is gone.
- "Everything happens for a reason, you'll see."
- "have you ever thought about how much it might help to get a dog." no, no one thankfully told me that, but it's happened to a friend.
- "don't worry; you'll have kids". No one knows that for sure and I always felt "desperate"/anxious when people told me that.
- "My friend Peggy Sue tried for years before they finally had kids" or many variations of that story. Some times that will offer hope; some times it will offer false hope. There are many happy stories of infertility issues resulting in beautiful kids, but there are also stories that don't. Those people find a different purpose to their life, but it's painful to get to that point and it's painful to be told how everyone else gets to that point.
- Frequent complaining about how awful pregnancy and/or kids are...we may hate being pregnant if we ever get there, but we really want to get there.
The last piece of this jagged little puzzle....what to do once they are pregnant (and it "takes" fully). Be patient with them....it's not a "normal" pregnancy. They may not be as excited as you'd like them to be...every time they go to the bathroom in the back of their mind, they wonder what they will find. Where you may find your frequent doctor's appointments a bore, they will quite possibly crave them; craving every opportunity to find out that everything is "normal" and that the little bambino growing in them is still okay. They may register for things later than you'd like and decorate later than you'd like, but ultimately they are doing it all at their pace - a pace they can handle and sustain as they walk the tightrope of growing excitement peppered by a slight fear created through their personal history. Oh, and please don't tell them to "take care of the baby"; trust me, they are doing everything they can to protect that little growth in them. They are also caring around the thought that although they (mostly) know they had nothing to do with the previous losses, they don't know if everyone else knows that too.
Okay, so this may not have come across as light-hearted and funny as I wanted it to. It's such a hard topic to write about with still some pain there for me. If anyone reading this is going through that long road. I'm here for you. I may not say everything perfectly (most likely won't), but if you need anything, let me know. In the meantime, I'll always be praying that your journey is as easy as possible and that you will feel God's loving arms guiding you through it.
