Taylor Update

Wrote this back on Sept 8, 2010...I enjoyed reading through it just now, so I thought I'd post for others (and myself later). Makes me realize how great this blog could be (for me) if I kept up on it. Will try a lot harder....oh and an update/spoiler...she did eventually start to walk - on her 19-month birthday and yes, her doctor did want us to get her checked out; she went through some therapy, but basically just decided she wanted to and could do it, so she did.

So, I really kind of stink at this blogging thing...maybe I'll get better; maybe I won't...maybe people will read it; maybe they won't....


Taylor turned 14 months old on Monday - can you believe it? I can't. She really does warm our hearts on a daily basis (as I'm sure all kids can do for their parents). She is finally having a desire to stand and is so proud of herself when she does (with our help). She has this amazing little wide smile and her eyes light out and sometimes she even goes "mmmm"...beyond cute. She is even taking some steps in front...on her own accord and will "walk with me" if I help. I hope to get that on video before she is off an running. She is trying to pull up and can get on her knees easily; she has begun to put one leg out (as if she was trying to get it under her), but she still has a little ways to go. She is getting stronger every day though.


It's weird - her not walking really hasn't bothered me. What bothers me is the 15 month lecture we may get if she isn't walking. The fact that I am dreading her 15 month check-up tells me I probably need to find a new pediatrician before then...maybe I'll start on that today. It's not that she's an awful doctor; we just aren't jelling like I would like. The 12-month check-up made me feel like such a failure and I don't think that's how I should feel when leaving. I also was confused and didn't know what to do - had a great idea of what I was doing wrong (in her eyes), but didn't have an execution plan. So frustrating. I mean, if Taylor was really behind across the board, I may be more concerned (and don't get me wrong; hind-sight being 20/20; there are some things I would do differently if given the chance), but she just hasn't had a desire to move....her scoots serve her well enough in her eyes (and man, she can scoot).

Am I rambling and all over the place yet?


From about 4 months or so Taylor has been a good sleeper. She cried when being put down but not for long and eventually is subsided. Well, a couple of months ago she started to cry again. Made me so sad and made bed-time and nap-time way less enjoyable. I missed my non-crying baby (I know, I have it so rough...the girl sleeps like 15 hours a day; who am I to complain if she cries for a minute or two when put down?) Well, a couple of weeks ago she stopped crying again (most of the time). In fact, last Friday night (10 days ago), she nursed, we read a story out of her Bible, said our prayers, and then I wanted to cuddle with her for a minute. Well, within a minute of us finishing up our prayers, she started to cry. Brian came in, picked her up, gave her a hug, we both kissed her goodnight, placed her in her crib and left the room - as soon as we were out of the door she stopped crying. Yes, our baby girl kicked us out of her room so she could sleep! She did that again 2 nights later. Amazing :)

Oh, and something else she did then that I loved (and miss, because she doesn't do as much)...when she hugged you, she would say "hug"; well the g was silent, but you get the idea :)

Oh, How I Love Thee, Let Me Count the Ways...

I went to Central Market last week and the ways in which I love that store just jumped out at me (in no particular order)....

1) They have an annual hatch chile festival (and other cool things...)
2) They have a ton of different pre-cooked meals you can choose from (did this much more when Brian and I were just married)
3) They have knowledgeable staff members who can actually answer questions (and are around to answer them)
4) They have free samples
5) They have a great wine selection (again, with people to help)
6) They allowed me to take 2 buns out of a pack of 8
7) They ask paper or plastic
8) They give you ice at check-out so your meet doesn't go bad on the way home
9) They have an amazing selection of fruits and vegetables (and meat and seafood and baked goods and cheeses...seriously, they have almost everything).
10) They had these amazing hatch chile and asadero cheese burgers.
11) A lot of their prices are actually really quite good

There is only two problems with it - too easy to spend a small fortune because everything is so yummy and it's too far from the house to go on a weekly basis (which may actually be a good thing)...

Taylor Update - really late!

Well, it's been forever since I've written about my little one. I'm even behind on my journal to her. I'm keeping notes in my phone, but I really need to sit down one of these days for a couple of hours and get it all recorded - before my phone loses it :)



She's been sitting up like a champ since January, but she has finally decided being at one place is not as much fun, so she has begun to scoot on her cute little toosh around the floor (she started this a week or two ago). Earlier this week she even got to a lay-down position from sitting up and really covered some distance. Gone are the days of me leaving her in the living room, knowing she will be at the same place when I get back (or leaving her on my bed while I get ready/clean). Brian and I really need to get more motivated on the "baby-proofing" thing...the living room is almost done; that just leaves the kitchen, formals, hallways, bathrooms, bedrooms....yeah; we need to get on it.



Her two bottom teeth are almost completely in and her two front top teeth are getting really close - man, it looks like it hurts. We started on more "solid" foods after she was nine months old. That girl really loves her Cheerios. She gets all giddy when she sees the box or even sees us go to the pantry while she is in her high chair. She smiles really big and makes her excited noises (kind of guttural but nasal at the same time too). She has fed herself one, once, but for the most part waits for us. Okay, so she doesn't really wait for us - she'll pick them up (sometimes as many as 4 at a time, but normally only 1), and drop them in our hands. If we aren't paying attention, then she'll just reach toward us as much as possible. She will then reach her head as far forward as possible and open her mouth real wide; sometimes she'll even try to attack the Cheerio while it is still in our hands. Yesterday, there was one of the edge of the table, and she tried to eat it off of the edge! It really is one of the cutest things she does and melts my heart every time.



This morning I came into her room, and she was sitting up in her crib! First time for that, so her crib will be dropped down today at some point. When I went in there yesterday morning she was pulling on her bumper pads and I thought "oh, we are days away from her figuring out how to pull herself up"...I was right. The funny thing was that she had her back to the door and she kept on hitting her head against the top of her crib. Didn't seem to faze her, but it looked (and sounded) like it hurt.



Right now, she's on the floor playing; becoming the "taylornator"...she scoots herself to her box of toys and starts pulling. Today isn't so bad - she has only gotten 2 books, her giraffe stacking thing, her drum, and elephant train. She likes the music the drum plays, so she hits it every time it "times out" and then leaves it alone....mommy may be getting tired of that music :)



Taylor and I have had a busy week. On Tuesday we started our Father's Day project. I cleaned the kitchen floor and then moved our island and set her in the middle of it. I then got out scrap booking card stock and finger paint and away we went! I got two good footprints right off the bat, but it took me a little longer to get hand prints - she kept on wanting to close her hands. I got one of each hand (exactly one) and they are okay, but not great. I guess if Brian and I want a better one, we can make it the "fun Father's Day project" :) I'm putting this page in a scrapbook and plan on having Taylor (and future siblings if we have them) add to it each year until she's 18. I think it will be really cool (full disclosure....there is no way I came up with this on my own; I had to have gotten it from somewhere, but I don't know where - I hope I didn't steal it from any of you kind people :)) Hopefully I will have time to finish it today (or we are all in trouble).

I started this post on Friday, and it is now Saturday night. We dropped her crib down this afternoon; a smidge bittersweet. I love going into her room at night and giving her a kiss while she sleeps - especially on her cheek. I actually love kissing her cheeks and forehead when we lay her down at night. However, now she is so far down, I have to lean all the way over her crib, putting all of my weight on it just to reach her. I'm not sure the crib is built for that, but I may continue...we'll just see how much I can handle not getting those final kisses in.

Pumpkin

It was bound to happen...it took ten-and-a-half months, but she has finally become attached to something besides Brian and myself...her blanket and "Pumpkin"....a little stuffed lion I bought her in December 2008....yes, 6 months before she was born. It was actually the first thing I felt "comfortable" in getting, but it was never-the-less tucked away, hidden in a closet for a couple of months before we felt comfortable looking at it daily, and then it found it's way into our beds and into our hearts. It was named Pumpkin, participated in pregnancy photos and eventually got a twin (in case something happened to it). So far, Brian and I are pretty good about not letting her have it out of her crib for more than a couple of minutes - when we pick her up in the morning or after naps she always catapults her body out of our arms to get either him or her blanket (or both). We let them snuggle for a minute or two and then back into the crib! We are even mean parents every once in a while and make her go to sleep without him - just in case there comes a time she needs to.



The blanket is a slightly different story...we rotate those as much as we remember too (every other week or so, but we know we should do it more frequently), so she seems to be okay as long as she has "A" blanket. We'll take a blanket with us to day care and church in case she needs a little help to calm down/sleep, but it's really cute to see her get all excited when we hand her her blanket after she has laid down in her crib. She flaps her arms and pumps her legs in excitement. She then grabs it with both hands and normally rolls to her side as she nuzzles her face into it. We love it!



Here last current "favorite" item is a little yellow ball. It has a cute little face, and jiggles a little when you shake it. We think it's the color that she likes so much, but we aren't sure. She will hold it for hours, passing it from hand to hand, and even pass it to us. She is such a good sharer, but I dread the day, she gives a toy to a little friend, expecting it right back and then getting mad when that doesn't happen! She will also play with our remote. Luckily, it has multiple settings, so we just change the setting every time she gets it so she doesn't actually change the channel or anything. We tried giving her a decoy remote, but she caught onto that one quickly and is not fooled.

We can't believe she'll be a year old in less than a month, but we are really looking forward to family being here to celebrate it with us.

Cycling Junky

I should start by answering the question I always get; no, I don't ride, but I love the sport of cycling and I love watching it. As I type, I'm watching Paris Roubaix from a couple of weeks ago, and I have some comments. I don't know too many cycling enthusiasts, and I have to vent, so if you find this boring, please feel free to skip :)

First, I LOVE George Hincapie. He's American. He was on Lance's team for his 7 tour victories. He is a workhorse. He's one of the best American cyclist ever. He has won some races. He loves Paris Roubaix and wants to win it one day (and I must admit, when it rains, it is one of my favorites too). I cheer for him every year and every year he breaks my heart. This year, I knew it was lost when I heard for the thousandth time "I'm just hoping for some good luck". Really, George? After 17 years of riding this race, you don't realize you can't win on luck? I understand hoping not to have bad luck, but that is different than hoping for good luck. You've had your fair share of crashes and you've been successful (kind of; I believe you finished on the podium a few years ago which let's face it, is pretty darn good); I just wish after all of those years of being friends with Lance and riding with him, you would have gotten a little of his killer instinct. Here's to a great rider who will have to retire without winning the one race he wants to win (assuming something really crazy doesn't happen in the last hour of coverage, but let's face it...at this point in his career; top 5 would be good for him).

Second, Tom, Tom, Tom....I'm not sure who yelled at you more after this race; you or your manager? I mean, you must be kicking yourself. After last week's Tour of Flanders, you were right to feel good about yourself even though you came in second in Belgium's biggest sporting event (He's Belgian). I mean, you raced your best race (you could have done that day), and Cancellara was just plain better. Nothing you could do about it. Today? You got played. The announcers think you got fed up doing all of the work, so you decided to go to the back of the pack. Really, did Fabian do that good of a job of playing possum that you didn't think he would attack on a flat road that you felt you could go a good 20 men down in the line? Really? I mean, I know it looked like Fabian wasn't as good as last week, but still; he's Fabian Cancellara!!!!! He's one of the best cyclist in the world and even on a "bad" day can beat most people. He has said his roll model is Jens Voight and we all know Jens will attack early, often, and to inflict as much pain on others as possible. You don't think Fabian is beginning to do the same? You don't think that after he attacked so far out last week he wouldn't do the same? (okay, so he admitted, he didn't even attack; he just road a little faster, and you couldn't keep up, so then he kicked it up again. I'd hate to see what would have happened if he had actually attacked - for those of you who don't know; Cancellara got about 20 seconds on Boonen in one, SHORT hill...about 1 min of climbing)

Oh, Tom...I know you didn't sleep well after this race...and I'm sure you had some drinks, but do me a favor; I'd love to see you in the Tour this year, so can you please not turn to "recreational" drugs to make you forget this ever happened? I know you tend to like the good stuff, so just stay off of it, okay?

I guess that's all my thoughts for now....I'll let you know after I get to finish this race, if I have more thoughts, but just in case I don't and assuming Fabian wins....GREAT race Fabian. You are a classy guy; I love watching you race and I love watching you win. I hope you continue to emulate Jens, because we are all going to miss him once he retires and I hope you are the guy to replace him.

Ciao

Public Service Announcment

Let me start by saying, I'm not trying to sound harsh or ungrateful for all of those people who have helped us through our journey. I really appreciated every bit of encouragement I received - even the ones that didn't come across as they hoped. I also don't want to scare people off from saying anything at all; I just want to help explain how some people may feel/react to certain conversations. Also, please feel free to add anything to this that you think I've missed....

Having kids is a wonderful thing and gives unbridled pain. On the other hand, not having children can be one of the most painful journeys once can go through. As a dear friend of mine once said, there are two reasons people don't have kids....they either can't have them or don't want them (either then or down the road). With that knowledge, there is no reason to ever ask the "when are you going to have children" question. By extension....people have the number of kids they either want or can have, so don't worry about asking when they are going to extend their family; just because you've had one kid, doesn't mean you can have more....I guess my other thought here is that if you have to ask the above questions (because you don't know the answer), then you are probably not close enough to the person to ask the question in the first place and time will give you the answer to your question.

That's my general remark on that. Now, to get more specific....miscarriages, how to handle them, how to help people who have had them, what to say or not say. First, the "good" news...no one knows what to fully say or how the person who has suffered this loss truly feels. Even if you've experienced the same loss...each time is so different and each person is so different that there is no way you can 100% know where they are. So, here are some broad suggestions....probably the best thing to say is, "I'm sorry", "that stinks" (because it really does), "I'm here if you need anything", and "I'm praying for you".

Below are things not to say. Of course, not everything is going to bother everyone. There are actually things on this list that didn't bother me when they were said to me, but I know have really bothered others. I guess the point of this post is to make people aware how different statements can impact others and if you decide to embark on one of these very difficult conversations, make sure you are reading the body language of the one involved....that will be the best indicator of whether and how you proceed. General rule here....if they didn't tell you personally about their "situation", then they probably aren't ready to talk about it....nothing personal; it's just hard. Some people can and need to talk about it right away. Others need to digest it for a while. I was in that category. I felt betrayed by my body and I had a lot of fear as to what would happen and if I could/would have kids. I didn't want to be known as "the miscarry girl" and I felt less valued as a woman. I also didn't want to think about it all the time (even though I was) and in the moments I was doing well, I didn't want to be brought back down again. I also couldn't voice how I was feeling which made it very difficult to discuss. I was filled with pain, loss, emptiness, joy, and even hope. It was such an odd mixture of feelings; many of which I had never felt before and did not feel equipped to vocalize them (sometimes I still don't). I could only sum it up as "it sucked" and that I knew God was with me through it and would see me through it; that He wasn't giving me anything He knew I couldn't handle and that it would ultimately be okay. Of course, if someone had tried telling me all that I may not have handled it very well....

So, here are some things you don't need to say (with some anecdotes that will make you smile I hope):

• Anything beginning with the phrase "at least". Really. Think about it. Can you think of a positive phrase that follows that? "at least you know you can get pregnant." Really? Yes, women across time have hoped to just get pregnant. I know some people take comfort in that thought; I was not one of them. I know there are lots of things that can make pregnancies go bad once they "begin", so I didn't find any comfort in this....In non-miscarry terms...at least they lived a long life, at least you got to say goodbye, etc. Although, these may be true and may help eventually; in the middle of the pain, they don't add much comfort.


• "you never know what God is protecting your child from later in life by taking him/her now". True, but still doesn't take away the fact that a little dream of that child's life is gone.


• "Everything happens for a reason, you'll see."


• "have you ever thought about how much it might help to get a dog." no, no one thankfully told me that, but it's happened to a friend.


• "don't worry; you'll have kids". No one knows that for sure and I always felt "desperate"/anxious when people told me that.
• "My friend Peggy Sue tried for years before they finally had kids" or many variations of that story. Some times that will offer hope; some times it will offer false hope. There are many happy stories of infertility issues resulting in beautiful kids, but there are also stories that don't. Those people find a different purpose to their life, but it's painful to get to that point and it's painful to be told how everyone else gets to that point.
• Frequent complaining about how awful pregnancy and/or kids are...we may hate being pregnant if we ever get there, but we really want to get there.

The last piece of this jagged little puzzle....what to do once they are pregnant (and it "takes" fully). Be patient with them....it's not a "normal" pregnancy. They may not be as excited as you'd like them to be...every time they go to the bathroom in the back of their mind, they wonder what they will find. Where you may find your frequent doctor's appointments a bore, they will quite possibly crave them; craving every opportunity to find out that everything is "normal" and that the little bambino growing in them is still okay. They may register for things later than you'd like and decorate later than you'd like, but ultimately they are doing it all at their pace - a pace they can handle and sustain as they walk the tightrope of growing excitement peppered by a slight fear created through their personal history. Oh, and please don't tell them to "take care of the baby"; trust me, they are doing everything they can to protect that little growth in them. They are also caring around the thought that although they (mostly) know they had nothing to do with the previous losses, they don't know if everyone else knows that too.

Okay, so this may not have come across as light-hearted and funny as I wanted it to. It's such a hard topic to write about with still some pain there for me. If anyone reading this is going through that long road. I'm here for you. I may not say everything perfectly (most likely won't), but if you need anything, let me know. In the meantime, I'll always be praying that your journey is as easy as possible and that you will feel God's loving arms guiding you through it.

Unswaddled and talking?

We finally stopped swaddling Taylor this past week - last Saturday night to be exact. I think Taylor has been ready for a loooong time; I think we weren't as ready. She always got her arms free in the first minute after being swaddled, but I think Brian and I kept doing it for a couple of reasons. First, we were afraid is was part of the "bed-time" routine and she wouldn't go to sleep without it (okay, that was one of my fears). I think we both liked the added warmth it gave her - we knew she wouldn't keep her blanket on her. My last fear was that her little legs would get through the bars of her crib, she'd get stuck in the middle of the night and of course get scared.

Well, let's go over these fears shall we...the first night we swaddled her, she barely made a peep and didn't make any noise after 60 seconds. Yep; that fear was dashed. Second fear...well, she doesn't keep her blanket on her, but she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night cold either, so I guess that was a needless fear. The last fear? Well, the first almost week went well. Her legs do get through the crib (Monday morning when I went in there her left leg and right leg were in different slats at the back of the crib. Her left was bent at the knee, so it was parallel with the wall under the knee (up and down). She was awake, but waiting patiently for me to come. I don't even think she was stuck - I got her leg out, but I have a sneaky suspicion she could have done that. Last night was a different story.....last night she screamed bloody murder about 11 o'clock at night. Both legs were elevated a couple of inches off of the mattress. Okay, not really off of the mattress, because her legs were in the middle of the room through the slats of her crib! She was on her side and distressed to say the least. I got her 'free' and held her for a minute...so thankful to be her mommy. I also quickly put the bumper pads on her crib. I know they are "evil" in today's world, but I think right now, I'd prefer to have the slats. She has no interest in pulling up on anything....she has no interest to roll over onto her tummy, so I think, in the meantime she is okay. Oh, I should say one thing about her movements. You can put her on a blanket in the middle of the living room, and she doesn't move much....in her crib, free from the swaddle, she scoots on her back all over that thing doing multiple 360-degree turns throughout the night. We never know where we are going to find her within her crib or which direction she's facing.

On the talking front....our neighbor said she's getting really close to "mommy" (nice to get an impartial "vote" on that). When she cries I hear "mommy" a lot. The other day when she was crying, I think I even heard "momma". Sometimes when she is blabbering, it sounds close to "mom" (that's what Tom identified thankfully - not the crying fit). Last Saturday while Brian and I were watching some basketball, Taylor was playing on the living room floor. I heard a lot of "aaaa" sounds...Brian thinks he may have heard a "daddy". We always thought she'd say "daddy" before "mommy", but we are doubting that these days.....I don't think either one of us minds which one she says; we are just so happy to be her parents and so happy she seems to be happy with us too :)